Sunday, April 27, 2008

Can't help but feel disapointed

So I did it. I had my biggest gain. I'm up 2 lbs this week. Ok, now that that's out in the open, it's time to kick some butt this week! I'm not too upset with the gain as it was expected. I lost 7.4 lbs last week, and my leader told me to expect a gain this week as that kind of loss was just too much for a week. I thought I'd prove her wrong and lose again this week, but my body just didn't want to hear it. I worked out every single day, I ate 1 point of food less per day, and even used my points on healthier options. All in all I shouldn't be upset because I'm still 5 lbs lighter than I was two weeks ago. I just can't help but feel sorry for myself. Oh and did I mention it was my T.O.M too? Yup, the water-retaining enemy is "in da house".

I have to redo my measurements next week for my bridesmaid dress. My measurements were last done in January so it hopefully will be exciting to see the new numbers! The wedding is only in December, but my friend is having the gowns made in the Philippines so they have to be done well in advance. I'm hoping that there will need to be some major alterations done at the end of November! That still gives me some time to trim down significantly and not be the fatty in the skinny bridal party.

All I've ever wanted is to not stand out. To not be that fat girl. To not be the different one. I'm of Polish/Irish descent. You couldn't have a lighter complexion! Growing up, most of my friends were of mediterranean backgrounds. I've always been: the blonde in the group of brunettes. The whitey who couldn't tan if their life depended on it. The short one. And now for the one I've hated my entire life: The fat girl.

I'm tired of being her. I'm tired of being the fat friend. I just want to fit in. I don't want to stand out, and I certainly don't want to carry that lable! I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. So far I have not cheated at all. Every time I think of stepping off and indulging, I always remind myself that this is just delaying the process.

The most fantastic quote I heard this week was this:

What you eat in private is what you wear in public

Now say that isn't food for thought!

Thank you to all that have stopped by. I really appreciate your kind words and I hope that we can learn from eachother and keep eachother pumped. Writing out my sentiments has proven to be really therapeutic.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

What does thin feel like?

Why is it that I always always think I've gained weight just before I step on the scale?

Why do I expect to feel different? Why is it that I always get the jitters and think "oh my Gosh, I've screwed myself over this week. I gained weight. I shouldn't have eaten that bread on Tuesday"?

The same thoughts run through my head every week, since I've started this journey.

I wonder if it will ever be different.

What is thin supposed to feel like?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Deep thoughts... real deep

My very first blog entry. Wow. I've decided to start writing out the thoughts going through my head throughout this journey. I'm on a mission. I'm done with thigh chafing. I joined weight watchers February 15, 2008 and wow what good I've done for myself. I joined on a whim- a fellow co-worker has been a member for several years, and has suggested/hinted that I join a few times as well. She was about to head off for her weigh in, and I started asking questions re: costs, weigh-in's etc.. I said that I would join next week. no scratch that. I decided to follow with her and join right away. Why delay what I can do today? Hell, I've been delaying this my whole life!! I nervously explained to the leader that I had no desire to know how much I weighed and that if I did I would become obsessed with the number. She was totally cool with that and just took down the digits.

Later that evening, I peeked. YIKES. A whopping 245 lbs! I was litterally twice my moms' size and then some! Now looking back, I'm glad I looked. Yes, it was a total shocker, I mean I knew I was over 200 lbs, but I didn't realize it was that far over! Go figure that I don't have any full-sized mirrors in my home. Out of sight out of mind right?

I'm in my tenth week of membership, and have lost 26.2 lbs! I'm thrilled with my results. I can't believe how far I've come. It's not easy. I won't lie. I can't tell you how many times I've pinched my thighs screaming (in my head of course) " get this fat off of me".

I totally have what I call opposite of anorexia. You don't think you're that fat. No, I'm not that bad. Ya, a little plump, but still ok. WRONG! 245 lbs at 5'2 is not a little plump.

The title of my blog was prompted by a remark that I've been getting that totally irks the $hit out of me. "Hey, I can see you're losing weight. I see it in your face". well then. Thank God my oversized head is getting some rest from the strain!

What to do with me. I get upset when my friends don't notice the loss, and insulted when people do.

What should one respond when another nosy co-worker states the obvious " Hey, I noticed you're losing weight... keep it up!"??? Am I supposed to respond with " Well gee, thanks. I wasn't sure if my thinner bod matched these shoes or not", or how about " Actually I was planning on stopping and doing the opposite. I now aspire to be the fattest woman on the planet, but your words of encouragement will definitely set me in line". Oh thin folk. They just don't get it. I have this rage fire burning in my stomach and they were just trying to be kind.

What to do...