Saturday, October 18, 2008

Saturday Morning Weigh In

So the good news is that even though I celebrated Thanksgiving for a week, I stayed the same. I did NOT want to step on the scale this morning but I was relieved when the "weigh in girl" told me that I stayed the same. I don't know if I could have handled a gain.

Today's meeting was actually pretty emotional. For some reason almost half of the usual crowd did not come. Now that some reason is most likely because they too celebrated Thanksgiving all week and didn't want to face the scale. We spoke a lot about motivation and determination. A lot of members shared some pretty personal emotional issues. Although the meeting was nothing compared to the usual peppy & perky vibe, it really helped. Our Saturday morning never runs the 30 mins that it should. We usually spend so much time talking that they run between an hour and an hour and a half- no complaints from me!

An issue I've been dealing with almost feels like some sort of identity crisis. I've had weight issues ever since I was a child. I can remember a time when I was six years old and an aunt I hadn't seen since I was 3-4 came to visit. She had bought me this red one piece snow suit, but probably was a size for a four-year old. I remember her trying to force the zipper up, my arms suspended in the air because the suit was just soo tight. The worst: I remember her saying " You've got to lose weight,child". This scarred me. A child of that age need not think of their weight but pretty much since that moment I have identified myself as fat. Now this isolated incident did not in itself send me spiraling into years of weight issues. It's always more complex. I cannot blame it on anyone. Food has always been there as comfort. I cannot think of a time in my life where my weight was not my obsession. I've grown up with the thoughts of " when I'll be thin I'll do xyz" or " just wait until I lose weight then they'll see". Like that ridiculous saying goes " there's a thin girl hiding inside of every fat one". Stupid, but I always felt it was true. I always felt like my life would start once I was such and such size. Suddenly my life will begin and I will live happily ever after because once I'm of "normal size" people will now know the real me. What I'm feeling now is this: If I won't be the fat girl anymore, then who will I be? Will I always identify myself as a fat girl? Will I ever rid myself of this feeling?

Because being fat has been part of my identity for so long, I'm starting to think that maybe deep down inside I've almost used it as an excuse. My weight has been some sort of shield. "Oh, they don't like me because I'm fat, but if I were thin they wouldn't treat me like this". My brain has always been my most prized possession. Perhaps I'm afraid that once I get the physical out of the way, I'll feel like people can start judging that? I don't know. I have so many thoughts going on all at once now. I've spent the morning waiting to shout Eureka, I've got it! I now have cracked the code and get it. There isn't just one answer and that's why I'll never have this type of epiphany.

Eating disorders are extremely extremely complex. The difference between it and say for example drug abuse or alcoholism is that the disorder is presented on the outside. You can't hide your addiction. This is one of the reasons that I've started to get somewhat defensive when people ask me " now tell me, just how much have you lost?". You wouldn't ask the same type of question to a recovering anorexic " so just how much weight have you put on?" or " so how much do you eat now compared to before?". How about asking someone who declared bankruptcy who's now got their finances in control about their spending habits and ask them to compare their ways before and after. It's such a touchy topic.

I'm usually such a chipper and optimistic person. Now, just because I'm in a self-analytical mood doesn't mean I have to be in a bad one either. I just need to wrap my head around a few things. Our meeting today was extremely therapeutic and one thing I said made me stop in my tracks right after the words escaped my mouth. The leader was asking us what our goals were and why we set them. I said that my goal was to weigh 135. When the leader asked me why I set that goal, my response was " because at that point I will not be overweight and I'll be happy in my skin".

Why can't I be happy in my skin now?


Anonymous said...

wow! what a post, i feel you. I know exactly how you are feeling. you are the same person that you always have been, your just going through a thing right now.

Its hard to let go of your "fat" self.

congrats on the no gain, thats awesome for a holiday

love ya

A True Heart Girl in Jersey said...

Yes, in one word: exactly. For me, I know what exists beneath the weight: a very passionate, sexy soul. And I know why I'm hiding her. I have to get beyond that fear. You will find who you really are inside you. Don't be afraid.

Tanya said...

So true. Like you I was told I was fat since I was a little kid. Who do I want to be once I lose the weight?... Just once, I want to be the "skinny sister"

nmburleson said...

I can relate to everything that you typed! My mom put me on a diet when I was in elementary school. Like you said no child should ever have to worry about their weight. Sorry that you had to go through that, but, thanks for sharing. Reminds me that I'm not alone, I hope that you know that too!

Great job on maintaining over Thanksgiving, that's awesome. :)

SeaShore said...

I'm not sure that I will ever not feel fat inside. The last time I lost weight I felt like I was in disguise.

Congrats on your maintain, especially after a week of Thanksgiving.

HollyALP said...

I was so happy to find a blogger with similar emotional questions. I'm so close to my goal I can taste it and yet every time I come close to a threshold, I sabotage myself and climb back up the scale to a safe place. Just what is so safe about being in the place I've always resented? Nothing! I'm hoping that sometime soon I'll be able to plug my nose and take the plunge into the unknown waters below... Thank you for your post! I loved the read.

Amy S. said...

I really needed this today. Sounds like your meeting was really good for getting to the roots of those problems. I still have problems with snowsuits. Will those ever end?