Where does the time go?

Thank you to those who sent me messages to check in! While I've neglected my blog, I'm still moving full steam ahead with my fitness routine and eating. Granted, there are always some bumps along the road, but I'll still keep on going.

I promised myself that I would see this through the end, and I will. I've changed b.c.p pills twice in the last month and have caused some internal chaos. The initial prescription left me feeling exhausted, bloated, withdrawn, depressed, the list goes on. As a result, my weight hit a plateau. No matter how well I stayed on plan, the numbers were not budging. I've been on the newest prescription for about a week now and I'm starting to feel more like myself again. I'm definitely not the social butterfly that I usually am but slowly I'm starting to peek out of the shell I grew and venture back into my social life.

Since I haven't peaked at a single blog in over a month, I've got some major reading and catching up to do.

My hormones hate me

Today had to have been the worst W.I ever. I was prepared for it, but nothing can turn this frown upside down. I had a perfect WW week. I tracked, I stayed within my points, exercised like a mad woman, and I was up..... 6 lbs. I know it's water retention, I know it'll go away, I just can't help but feel completely and utterly depressed.

My whole body is aching from the fluid retention and it seems toilet paper commercials are able to bring tears to my eyes today. Bring on the pamprin! If the retention persists, I'll go see my doc & ask them to switch the meds. I can't live like this.

I'm not going to let this get me down.  I could have said " to hell with it all" and ate whatever I wanted and sat on my couch like a bump on a log, but I didn't. Things could have been a lot worse.

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely - Author unknown. This would have been a great quote had I sabotaged my week so I'll remember to refer back to this post in the future. Hope everyone had a far better week than I had!

All better

I can't believe how long it's been since my last post- I'm getting sloppy! I`ve been thinking about everyone here and wondering how you`ve been doing weight loss/workout/motivation/everything-wise.

It took me a full week to get over my bug. I dragged my congested head in to WW last Saturday and was mildly surprised (relieved may actually be a better adjective) to find out that I was only up 1 lb. The freakishly alarming #'s that I spoke of earlier appeared to be around the 5+ range. I figured this could just be due to the added weight I was carrying around in my sinuses. I seemed to have been going through a box of tissue every day. I'm so thankful that's over!

Went to Weight Watchers at lunch today to weigh in and was down 2 lbs. I'm very happy and am inching my way closer to being out of this weight "decade". I've got a mild case of the when-will-winter-end blues and have been feeling kind of bummy. My workload is getting lighter and although I'm grateful for this, not to mention the fact that I work in the financial sector and I still have a job, but I still feel a little glum. I don't feel appreciated at the office. I've been putting in a ton of extra hours and I've been pretty much carrying the workload of five people. I do this because I care about what I do and I want to make sure our clients are well taken care of, but at the same time it would be really nice to get a mere thank you from my manager or some sort of acknowledgement for my efforts. Something as simple as "your hard work is appreciated" is all it takes. I'm not asking for a raise, or a big song and dance, but just a little appreciation would make all the difference.

To some extent, I feel like because I've shown them just how much I can do and am a constant over-achiever that I've somehow set this expectation from management. Even though others can get away with doing the bare minimum, I'm depended on to exceed and carry the weight. If one day I'm working at 190% instead of my average 200, eyebrows are raised.

Ah, I'll stop whining. The grass is pretty green on my side, I've just got to stop looking at everything in black and white.

Springs around the corner, I'll start to feel alive again. The countdown to flip flops begins!

sickies

I'm off from work today. The tickle in my throat last night developed in to OMV (old man's voice). It hurts to breathe,cough,talk etc. My whole body is aching. Felt strange to call in sick. It's not something I ever do. Was hoping I could make it in to March without catching a winter cold. Ah well.

The scale is showing some freakishly alarming numbers. At least I'm not hungry! Today will be a day of tea and rest. Hopefully I'll be back in good enough shape tomorrow.

Rawrrrr!!

Up .8. I know it could just be muscle gain, or water retention from TOM's imminent arrival, but it still has me growling! Just frustrating when you're on track and you're working out 5 days a week.

Oh well! I'm not going to let this throw me over. I had two weeks of nice numbers so next week will be even better.

I weighed in Friday morning because I knew I'd be going out last night and I wanted to be able to sleep in today, as much as I love my 9:00 a.m. Saturday W.I's. I may or may not have had 3-4 smirnoff ice's. I may or may not have indulged in finger foods at the bar such as calamari, cheese and bread, and pickles. I may or may not have had a big mac combo at 3 a.m. either or too.

I may or may not be rather upset with myself for allowing myself to eat such junk. I have absolutely no restraint while under the influence (when it comes to food choices).

I am definitely going to eat well today. I am certainly going to the gym this afternoon. I am most likely going to just get over what I did and realize that I can indulge every so often. A year ago, I would have had no qualms with any of it! I did eat well during the day on Friday so it's not completely terrible!

Today is a fresh start. Cheers to being on track! - and yes, that's a glass of water I'm holding up!

'Tis the season to go crazy fa la la la la.....

If it wasn't for going to the gym in the morning, I'd be one unhappy camper. The Y keeps me sane. I've been basically working round the clock thank you tax season. Clients have received there statements and only now have realized that the market took a hit and want to know why and where and who. BOO. I work from 8-4 at the office, and then log back in at home until I go to bed around 11. It's a bit crazy but someone has got to do the work. I am proud to say that my runners are on the treadmill at 6:15 a.m. sharp. I need this and will continue to go. It's now part of my routine.

Been sticking to the plan. Eating well, and well, working my ASS off- literally. I was up 1.8 lbs last week which was slightly discouraging because I tracked,worked out and followed the plan to a T. This is the first time where I could say that I honestly did do everything and still gained. The answer to that equation is simple: (eating the allowed points) + (tracking all my points) - (TOM)-(a new fitness routine) = GAIN.

I've been monitoring the scale at home and looks like this Saturday's W.I will be a good one.

Back to work for me- but first I must catch up on my blog reading/commenting.

I lost my mojo!

My blogging has taken a back seat lately as everything has been so chaotic. Tax season has us working what seems like 24/7. I was down 1lb last Sat for my W.I, which means I'm 3 lbs away from being back at my pre-holiday weight. I can't believe it's already Thursday. This week has just gone by so quickly!

My one year WW membership anniversary is soon approaching. February 15 will mark one year of continuous attendance. I've had some major changes in my attitude, my lifestyle, my eating habits, and of course my appearance.

Although I am very happy with how far I've come, I can't help feeling like I didn't go as far as I could. Starting in early December, I began to lose my weight loss "mojo". My tracking started to dwindle, my exercise, and my eating habits began to change a bit too. I started allowing myself to make exceptions whereas when I first started the plan I wouldn't touch something if I didn't know how many points was in whatever was being offered. My gym membership recently expired and I decided that I would change gyms as I was fed up of the same scenery. Well, I've let my "searching" go on for a month and a half now. I'm joining the Y on Saturday so hopefully exercise will then trigger my eating habits to fall back in to place too.

I just wish I could have stayed as motivated as I was back in February. It'll be back, I know it. I just have to do it!

Still alive, barely

Yay, I've been nominated! I'll post the link and picky my ladies/gents later on today. I'm really honored to have been thought of. I'm touched.

I was up at 4:00 a.m. this morning and I'm not sure why! I've been complaining to myself all week that I haven't been getting enough sleep. I've been running around shopping, working late, going to parties-it's been non-stop action around here! Saturday's W.I had me up 1.6. Thanks to the parties, and a lot,a lot a lot of booze on Friday. I was not on track to say the least. I did exercise but it definitely wasn't enough to offset the damage. The office party on Friday was kick-ass! I had chicken parmigiana with about a half a bottle of wine and a rum & coke. We ended up later at an Irish pub where I had the most delicious Black Velvet (Guiness & Cider combo) and about 3-4 Smirnoff Ice. We then continued the party on to another bar where I had 2 more smirnoff ice & a vodka cran. Had a lot of fun and ended up at home at 4:00 a.m.

Believe it or not, I made it to my W.I for 9:00 a.m. I was up at 8 and still drunk. Unfortunately Saturday was the meeting where we went over the new Momentum plan and as you can imagine I was willing the time to pass by. People were loud, I was in another world, and my mouth felt like sand paper. I could not drink enough water!
I'm not usually such a lush and I got to pay for it all day Saturday! I spent the rest of the day entertaining a friend from out of town and stayed in Saturday night to try to recover. Yesterday was another busy day of shopping and entertaining my friend so I have still not fully recovered from Friday's night of insanity.

Met a nice guy on Friday. Too bad I was feeling a little too good to remember a lot of what he told me. I know we laughed a lot, he walked me home and was very gentlemanly with a simple kiss on the cheek good night. Thumbs Up.

I did hear back from dude from a month ago. Funny how they take so long to call. I'm not impressed. Told him that it was nice of him to call but I'm no longer interested. You snooze, you lose.

I'm off to the dentist now. Broke two fillings on tostitos yesterday and I'm not a happy camper. Broke one on each side. That'll teach me to eat chips!

Saturday Morning Weigh In

Was down .4 this morning. I was expecting a gain so I was happy to hear otherwise. The WW leader announced this morning that there are going to be some changes and new stuff added. She couldn't say what but that it was exciting. I am so but so curious to find out! Does anyone happen to know what these changes are?

A friend of a friend of mine has been going through some rough times with her family. They don't have bad intentions and they want to see their her happy. The unfortunate part is that they are going about it the wrong way. Two weeks ago, she awoke to find a surprise gift from her brother. Right outside her bedroom door was a box of Smart For Life cookies. Now my first reaction was " Oh my gosh, what an #*&*(#&%(*#&*(&#(*&%*(#". He really isn't the whateverwordyouwanttothinkisaid. He simply has absolutely no knowledge on how complex of an issue it is and how the desire to lose has to come from within. I sound like a fortune cookie. I apologize.

Apparently she's been talking about gastric bypass surgery or following the cookie diet. I've said it before and I'll say it again: We must fix what's between the ears first and the rest will follow. You're not really fixing the issue, you're just masking it. You wouldn't just put a bandaid on a cut that needs stitches. The cut needs to be properly cared for and given time to heal.

I grabbed another Week 1 book at the meeting, so if she does contemplate joining Weight Watchers, she can get a sneak peak on how the plan works.

I caved and bought a McDonalds breakfast this morning (12 lousy points!) and I feel nauseous now. I used to be able to eat those sandwiches ( times two) without a problem. My body just can't tolerate the grease anymore. Now that I've blown half of my points on a lousy breakfast sandwich, I'm going to let my stomach settle and go for a run. The rest of the day will be light eating. Yummy windcakes and air soufflees for me!

Jitters

So I've got a blind date after work. I'm so freaking nervous. We spoke on the phone briefly last night ( I need to hear a voice) and he's going to give me a call this afternoon to plan our meet up. I'm figuring going for a drink will be the best option. We actually work a block away from each other so we'll figure something out when he calls. We both work in the same field so we pretty much just talked shop. We also both have parents of different faith so we spoke about our upbringing and what it was like to have two parents that had different religious beliefs. I got a good vibe. He was very polite and articulate and the conversation flowed well.

Why am I nervous? Simple answer: first impressions. 60 lbs later you'd think I'd be a lot more confident with my appearance and in some aspects I am- just not on the dating game. All I keep thinking about is that when we meet up, his first thought we'll be She's fat. Not ooh she's blond & blue-eyed. No no. FAT.

I've seen pictures of him & he seems pretty damned cute. The pictures that he's seen of me are head shots. Have I set him up to expect something different? How can I expect someone to look past my size if I can't? Am I just still thinking in the 60lbs ago tense? Will this be his first impression? I know, I know, if that's what he sees then why waste my time. I get it. I just can't help but obsess over it.

Have a happy period- are you kidding me?

Why is it that menstrual products are always marketed to us in the most cheeseballish ways? It's almost as though everyone's so embarrassed about what periods really are that euphemisms and blue liquid are used as distractions from what it really is.

Ah yes, the smiling, radiant woman horseback riding along the beach dressed in head-to-toe white. The saddle is white. The horse is white. Her teeth are a freaky shade of white. The clouds are white. The sand is white. You get the picture. This brings me to back to my title: Are you kidding me? I don't care if you've bought every single pad at Shoppers and are wearing them all at once. No woman, and I mean no woman, will A. wear white, and B. be so F#$**ing smiley.

Can we please have a more realistic commercial? My marketing classes gravitated around teaching us how to advertise in a way that people can relate to- It sells. How tampax has not honed in on this is beyond me. Show me a woman sitting curled up on the couch with a giant zit on her cheek, oily hair, mascara streaks down the sides of her face because she just saw a tissue commercial and the little (again) white kitty is just oh so cute, a bag of lays on the table, and a scrunched up ball of foil from a caramilk bar. Show her popping the pill, taking a nap for an hour, and then waking up feeling less crampy. I may just buy this medication.

Can you guess that TOM has arrived?

My dinner tonight was a granny smith apple with tostitos. It was a delicious combination, but I'm certain I'll look back next week and have another opinion.

Saturday Morning Weigh In Results & Last Nights Dinner Horror Story

Going out for dinner last night was quite an adventure. The menu made me cringe. Every item seemed to have the words drenched, battered, glazed,crispy,smothered,tantalizing,melt in your mouth, Oh the list goes on.

I settled on the most WW friendly item on the menu: a chicken brochette with salad and rice. Not an entirely terrible choice. Thankfully the waiter quickly came to take our orders so I didn't have time to change my mind. We were minding our own business waiting for the food to arrive when the waiter came to see us. " A large group has just come in and we're going to need for you to change tables" he says. " My manager is offering each of you an appetizer on the house". I cringed. I wanted to crawl under the table.

My friends agreed to accept the appetizers. I just said that I didn't want to spoil my appetite for my dish because I was really looking forward to it. I gave myself a mental pat on the back and watched them devour the cheesy potato skins, garlic bread, calamari, and the spinach dip with nachos.

No sooner had we finished our plates, the waiter is back at our table. "I'm sorry to bother you again ladies. We will need to move you to another table. The manager has offered coffee and dessert for your trouble" He explains. "We're terribly sorry for the inconvenience" He continues to take our plates away and moves us to our new table.

The dessert options are posted on some sort of flip card that sits in the middle of the table. Sweets are my kryptonite so it was my mission to make all of the desserts sound revolting. " The carrot cake is probably dry.The cheese cake probably has that gross skin on the outside from sitting in a rotating display case. Eew, can you imagine how over-sweet the chocolate cake is? Ice cream, puh-lease. It's probably been sitting in a bin in a freezer somewhere underneath ten layers of ice crystals".

My remarks didn't steer my friends away from the choices, but I am proud to say that I did not give in. I had a coffee and that was it. Funny how when things are free we suddenly want them. No one had voluntarily ordered a starter and no one was even considering ordering dessert. Insert the words free or on the house and suddenly we're all singing a different tune. If I wasn't planning on having it, I won't.

My WI was not so terrible considering my eating habits & lack of exercise this week. I was up .06 and was pretty shocked about it. I was expecting a 2 lb gain. I'm going to kick some serious ass this week.

It'sssssssssssssssss ooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Any wagers for my Saturday W.I?

What a wicked week of eating I've had so far. I think TOM's imminent arrival is pulling the strings behind my puppet-like uncontrollable eating. I haven't been eating junk (we are forgetting about the cookie dough that I found in the freezer last Sat that I made & ate all to myself) just a lot. I've had an insatiable appetite since Saturday. There's no space between meals, it's just one continuous track on repeat. My food intake has looked a little something like this, bearing in mind that my daily points allowance is 23:

Breakfast
Wake up with: Tea + WW toast w/ cream cheese: 3 pts
Get to the office: Coffee + 2 mini muffins+ 4 pts
Getting closer to lunch: More WW toast w/ apple butter, banana, 1/2 cup special k: 4 pts
Lunch: TV Dinner, Yogurt, All Bran Bar, Chocolate Single, Apple: 9 pts
Afternoon Snack: Huge cup of tea, bag popcorn, cheese slice: 4 pts
Supper: 2 hamburgers (1/2 cup of beef so they're small) w/onion chive c.cheese on ww bread w/tomatoes,lettuce,ketchup. 1, yes 1, entire butternut squash, mushrooms, 1 baked sweet potato: 10
Dessert/Evening Snack: more popcorn, apple, cheese,chocolate (in rotation) approx 3 pts depending on which I chose that night.

37 PTS! Can you believe it? AND to top it off? The exercise I've done this week: taking the stairs when I get home. I live on the 11th floor, but still. Insufficient.

I startled myself when I snapped out of a mindless eating coma yesterday. An old,old habit came out of no where and bit me. I did make a rule that I'm not allowed to eat unless I'm sitting down and what do you know? I catch myself eating out of the fridge. The killer? I was picking at my lunch for the next day.

What on earth came over me? What caused this food trance?

Any thoughts on how my W.I will go on Sat? Any tips on what to do for the next 2 days to possibly cancel out my naughtiness?

Saturday Morning Weigh In

So the good news is that even though I celebrated Thanksgiving for a week, I stayed the same. I did NOT want to step on the scale this morning but I was relieved when the "weigh in girl" told me that I stayed the same. I don't know if I could have handled a gain.

Today's meeting was actually pretty emotional. For some reason almost half of the usual crowd did not come. Now that some reason is most likely because they too celebrated Thanksgiving all week and didn't want to face the scale. We spoke a lot about motivation and determination. A lot of members shared some pretty personal emotional issues. Although the meeting was nothing compared to the usual peppy & perky vibe, it really helped. Our Saturday morning never runs the 30 mins that it should. We usually spend so much time talking that they run between an hour and an hour and a half- no complaints from me!

An issue I've been dealing with almost feels like some sort of identity crisis. I've had weight issues ever since I was a child. I can remember a time when I was six years old and an aunt I hadn't seen since I was 3-4 came to visit. She had bought me this red one piece snow suit, but probably was a size for a four-year old. I remember her trying to force the zipper up, my arms suspended in the air because the suit was just soo tight. The worst: I remember her saying " You've got to lose weight,child". This scarred me. A child of that age need not think of their weight but pretty much since that moment I have identified myself as fat. Now this isolated incident did not in itself send me spiraling into years of weight issues. It's always more complex. I cannot blame it on anyone. Food has always been there as comfort. I cannot think of a time in my life where my weight was not my obsession. I've grown up with the thoughts of " when I'll be thin I'll do xyz" or " just wait until I lose weight then they'll see". Like that ridiculous saying goes " there's a thin girl hiding inside of every fat one". Stupid, but I always felt it was true. I always felt like my life would start once I was such and such size. Suddenly my life will begin and I will live happily ever after because once I'm of "normal size" people will now know the real me. What I'm feeling now is this: If I won't be the fat girl anymore, then who will I be? Will I always identify myself as a fat girl? Will I ever rid myself of this feeling?

Because being fat has been part of my identity for so long, I'm starting to think that maybe deep down inside I've almost used it as an excuse. My weight has been some sort of shield. "Oh, they don't like me because I'm fat, but if I were thin they wouldn't treat me like this". My brain has always been my most prized possession. Perhaps I'm afraid that once I get the physical out of the way, I'll feel like people can start judging that? I don't know. I have so many thoughts going on all at once now. I've spent the morning waiting to shout Eureka, I've got it! I now have cracked the code and get it. There isn't just one answer and that's why I'll never have this type of epiphany.

Eating disorders are extremely extremely complex. The difference between it and say for example drug abuse or alcoholism is that the disorder is presented on the outside. You can't hide your addiction. This is one of the reasons that I've started to get somewhat defensive when people ask me " now tell me, just how much have you lost?". You wouldn't ask the same type of question to a recovering anorexic " so just how much weight have you put on?" or " so how much do you eat now compared to before?". How about asking someone who declared bankruptcy who's now got their finances in control about their spending habits and ask them to compare their ways before and after. It's such a touchy topic.

I'm usually such a chipper and optimistic person. Now, just because I'm in a self-analytical mood doesn't mean I have to be in a bad one either. I just need to wrap my head around a few things. Our meeting today was extremely therapeutic and one thing I said made me stop in my tracks right after the words escaped my mouth. The leader was asking us what our goals were and why we set them. I said that my goal was to weigh 135. When the leader asked me why I set that goal, my response was " because at that point I will not be overweight and I'll be happy in my skin".

Why can't I be happy in my skin now?

I can see it in your face too.

I witnessed quite the interaction yesterday. A colleague of mine is doing the Smart For Life Weight Loss plan. This is a diet where you eat six cookies per day, and a lean meal at night.
Although I somewhat disapprove of this "get thin quick" scheme, she's doing fantastic and sticking to her guns. Sure, the weight loss is much faster than Weight Watchers, but Smart for Life is a diet whereas Weight Watchers is a lifestyle change. Her intentions are to drop a large portion of weight to start on this regime, and then switch to WW. She's lost just as much weight as I have in half the time, but she's completely miserable.

I feel bad for her when I see her practically holding her nose to somehow swallow these revolting looking cookies. Sure you can alternate between the cookies and the shakes, but it all boils down to a controlled calorie intake of 800 Calories per day. NOT HEALTHY. This is her business and she can do as she wishes but hopefully she won't be disapointed in the end.

So now back to where I started. Our manager has been out of the office for a few weeks (yay.happy.joy!). She happened to come by our work stations yesterday, and I see her start to do the most annoying thing ever. She stops, tilts her head sideways, back to the other direction, and just stares at my colleague. I just waited for her to open her mouth. 15 seconds later, the inevitable happened. "Did you lose weight?I can see it in your face". We both looked at each other slightly amused. Her response was a simply and tactful "Yes I did and thank you". I could see that our manager quickly got the message and decided not to pursue further with the what I call the Triple H question: How, How much, and How long have you been doing it. SUCCESS!

I've lost a whopping 32 lbs to date. I'm 16 away from my mini-goal as it stands. Last night was a difficult one, but I plan on making up for it today. I had eaten my dinner, and had 3 pts left for snacking. Great. The phone rings, and some friends of mine wanted me to join them out for dinner. I told them that I had already eaten, but would love to be in their company as it was only 7 PM. We get to the restaurant, and the food devil apparently came and sat right next to me. I open the menu and start salivating. I gave in and ordered! Shame on me, however the way I look at it, it could have been a lot worse. I ordered a chicken souvlaki which equates to 7 pts. Ok so I went 4 pts over, but I also count my morning coffees (I'm not sure how a table spoon of milk accounts for 1 pt but I do count it). So if we delete the coffee, I went over by 3 pts. Today will be a better day. I will go for a run, and I will swim. I am determined! I want to lose 3 lbs this week and I'm going to do what it takes to achieve this. Wish me luck!